Mind Tenants (A Poem by Me) & Life Update

Published: September 7, 2018

Today I feel like writing.
I’m not really sure why;
but I guess it’s because there’s something on my mind.

I feel like a failure,
like I’ve done nothing new.
Have all this potential that never grew.

I spend each day like the next,
expecting some change.
Really, what am I waiting for;
when it always stays the same?

I quit my job to figure out what I wanted.
Shortly after I became bombarded.
I’ve worked, consulted, done shit for free.
Then asked the universe, what’s in it for me?

I’ve lost my personality, my interests, and charm.
I’ve forgotten how I act without someone on my arm.

I’m pulled and pushed in so many directions.
It’s never given me the time to think for a second.

I’m in the center of the room,
willing to remain.
Until the crowd circles around and calls out my name.
They’re seeing who I’ll run to,
even bribing me with treats.
Telling me where I belong,
and intentionally pressuring me.

They know I’m indecisive,
and my backbone isn’t there.
They know I’m eager to please;
how I always try to be fair.
They derail my thoughts,
occupy my mind.
Knowing if they keep it up,
I’ll forget it’s all mine.

I own my brain, the space inside;
Yet they all rent it out like an en-suite divide.
Anything for their benefit because they always want more,
There I’ll be, inadvertently holding the door.

I’ve had enough of this, I want to let go.
See the door of my mind;
and watch it slam closed.

I notice the quiet corner;
shaded and bare.
Not a sound coming out;
or a familiar stare.
There’s no treat being waved;
nor people I know.
No beefed up acclaim of where I deserve to go.

A dark gravel road with fog in the distance.
A place of which strikes up most people’s resistance.

The gloom. The mist. The unforeseen ending.
The gradient of the sky blissfully blending.
A feeling of cold air against my skin,
The emptiness all around where no one can get in.
A path that ends at the tip of my nose,
Nothing to see, not sure where to go.

No way to know if the path is long,
No sense in worrying if there’s a fork later on.

It isolates me and resets my head.
I enjoy the vacancy;
forget about making the bed.

It’s time I loosen up,
start this whole thing a-new.

Finally I can choose,
What do I want to do?

—

Here she is again, writing about her worries, job insecurities, and fears. Oh, how exhausting to be in her mind. [What I imagine you’re all thinking]

It’s true — but writing really helps me. I landed a job last year in a Marketing role that I was happy doing, but no matter what; there was always a sense of something missing. Sometimes I worry that I’m afraid of commitment but I think ultimately I’m afraid of settling. I don’t want to settle in a role that feels incomplete.

It was a year in when I made my decision to quit. I put in my 2-weeks and bought a single ticket to Portugal, (with a return flight — don’t worry, Mom). I left my office job to get back in touch with my physical body. I love design and marketing but sitting at a desk for 8 hours a day really doesn’t work for me. Not only was I becoming drained, unproductive, and feeling like a 78-year-old arthritic woman; but I was slacking on my overall well-being. I started feeling less social and began to feel more robotic.

I’m currently in the transition period, working only contractually. I’m in this place where I’m self-employed but no longer looking to take on any more projects. I love that I’ve been landing jobs but my time from now until my flight is already accounted for. For some reason, whenever I’m unavailable is when all the new clients rush in. This height of proposals is where the inspiration came from for the poem written above. This period I took off was intended to give me some freedom before I set off for a program abroad; but as always, I overpromised. I chose to overwork myself and give them what they want vs. fuelling up with what I need.

My pursuit to Portugal isn’t a vacation destination. Though, that would be nice. I’m sure it sounds like a perfectly good temporary solution to my problems. However, I knew I needed more than that. I actually invested in a 6am — 6pm schedule where I can’t have caffeine, alcohol, or even meat. Am I crazy?! Probably.

It sounds like something nobody would ever volunteer for (never mind pay for) — BUT I saved the best for last. I will be spending these 12 hour days taking a Yoga Teacher Training Course for all levels. I am taking this Eurotrip, filling it with 2 roommates in 1 little room, choosing to wake up before the sun, studying on the beach instead of relaxing, working out when already sore, and boycotting anything that could possibly make any of it a little easier.

Phew, it sounds a bit daunting when I type it out but I genuinely could not be more excited. This experience is something I need. This will bring me another avenue to work with in a way that will keep my body happy. When all is finished, I will be officially certified to teach yoga. This trip will give me my first solo adventure in a new country. I will share sunrises and sunsets with a group of people that have a common interest with me. I will learn new skills and theories. Most of all, I will be able to rediscover who I am without the work or social obligations that I have back home.

The countdown to departure is getting closer and closer. Yet, I haven’t begun to feel the intense fear or nerves that I would typically be overwhelmed with. As an over-thinker, I’d expect my mind to be somersaulting with all the unknowns. For whatever reason, this really feels right. I feel more comfortable in the uncertainty which is something I don’t think I’ve ever felt before.

I will do my best to document what I can as I know this is something I’ll want to look back on. I’ve had all types of feelings lately and I know people don’t recommend “running away”, because when you come back you will have the same problems. Though, in this case, I’m not running from anything at home. I’m running away from who I currently am, to come back as someone I hope to be. I will be going away and re-building myself up. I know it sounds cliché but there must be some sense of proof behind it. My intention is to come back with a new goal, the confidence it takes to achieve it, and luckily; I will have the time to start. See you soon, future me. I look forward to finding out what you can do.